I’ve always known there’s a part of us that lives forever. Some invisible part inside each one of us that survives even after our body dies. I don’t know how I knew. I just did. Perhaps this was the hope my Mum hung onto after Dad died. Her way of comforting her young family and keeping his memory alive.

As a child, I never had a name for this magical part inside of us. I came to recognise this was what people referred to as our soul, our spirit, our essence, or any number of other names depending on their personal of religious beliefs. Some people don’t believe such an essence exists at all. I respect everyone’s beliefs and opinions without prejudice.

Due to this foundational belief which felt right to me, it was never too much of a stretch then for me to also believe we could have past lives and even future lives. This wasn’t something that my family or circle of friends spoke about, except in a light-hearted manner. “I must have killed a Chinaman in a past life” was something one friend often said whenever things were going wrong for her. As if we were being punished for something we did wrong in a previous lifetime. I must have been a horrible person in a past life, I thought, since so many things were wrong in my life.

At a time when I couldn’t make sense of my life, I searched for answers to the bigger questions about the meaning of life. Why are we here? What’s the point of it all? I stoked the fire of my curiosity and delved into the spiritual realm of life after death, of mediumship, angels and energy medicine. I was intrigued but maintained a healthy scepticism. My science-trained logical mind resisted at first. But I soon eased back on the brakes when I could feel energy moving in and around me, when I received messages from deceased loved ones and other spiritual beings. Messages and guidance I knew in my heart were infused with love and with truth. Even if I couldn’t rationalise any of it.

IMG_5729 angel LRI started to read books about angels and emotional healing, about mediumship and life after death. I travelled the country to learn how to work with angels and energy, crystals and vibrational essences. I collected certificates for various energy healing modalities. Seraphim Healing. Pranic Healing. Crystal Light Healing. Shell Essences. Essences of Angels. I learnt Emotional Freedom Techniques and Quantum Touch. I followed Doreen Virtue and attended her Angel Therapy workshops in Australia. Three times! I read her books and played with her angel cards. I was like a tourist in a foreign country exploring the countryside of this realm; learning to speak the language of metaphysics.

I spent a decade travelling this new world and yet, I still wasn’t healed. I still felt broken. Professionally, I had achieved more than I ever expected to and yet I felt something was missing in my life. Why wasn’t I happy? I had tried to right the wrongs of my childhood, and failed. I had sunk to the depths of despair wishing to leave this earth, yet here I still stood. This was my rock bottom. My dark night of the soul. This was when my own earth angel showed up. Joy was my saviour, a spiritual healer and my mentor. She pulled me out of the murky water I’d been swimming in and shone the light to guide me. And yet, the happiness I so desperately sought, still eluded me. I kept searching for the magical cure, for someone to fix me, knowing there had to be more to life than what I was experiencing. Otherwise why was I still here? I never knew I held my own answers, that I was the only one who could fix me, that I was the one I was looking for.

My emotional pain was excruciating. I had no reserve of energy to give to others. I was emotionally unavailable and my marriage was suffering. I lost work contracts. My sensitivities to everything and everyone around me became heightened. I didn’t know how to fix myself. I was exhausted from trying. I’d had enough. Not caring if I lost everything that was once precious to me, I stopped fighting. I admitted defeat and surrendered. My surrender came in the form of asking the Universe for freedom. Asking to be free to be me. To be free from pain and suffering.

I had to surrender before I could heal

I had no idea how powerful that surrender was. In that moment, I set in place a series of events that changed my life forever.

Those events included reading a book and a trip to Sydney. I went to a Hay House ‘I Can Do It’ conference and I had a soul reading and healing when I was in Sydney, and I came home a different person. I had a different perspective about life. I changed the way I looked at my past. I let go of all blame and resentment. I realised my past was perfect, nothing was wrong with it at all and no one was to blame.

Was I healed? I thought so. But this was just the start of my true healing. Without my surrender and the change of perspective, I would have stayed stuck in blame and resentment. I would have remained a victim of my past. I would never have healed. When you live in the energy of victimhood, you cannot heal.